I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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