guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
