Can i not drive my cunt home
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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