I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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