its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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