oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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