When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
