Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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