I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
