You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
