You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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