Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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