i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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