If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
