somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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