I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
two words: eviction party
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
