my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
