Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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