i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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