He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i came on her dog
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
