Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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