Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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