The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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