We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
