I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
