im six kinds of drunk right now
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My dick has a subreddit
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
