I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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