she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize