I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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