Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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