Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
