at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
