There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we made out on top of his cat.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you had me at cake vodka
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
