You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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