remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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