When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
