All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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