I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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