SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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