I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize