I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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