Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
