what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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