I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
