Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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