Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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