Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
