Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
