Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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