im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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