No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Is it because I queefed?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
