so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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