I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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