The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
