I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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