If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
