I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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