I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
