My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
