that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just threw up on my dentist
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize