she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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