Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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