I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
