I wish life had little blips of pornography
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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