I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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