I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
