Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
