She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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