you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
