There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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