oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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