She announced her abortion via fbk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
