Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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